"I just hope that one day—preferably when we’re both blind drunk—we can talk about it. "
どんなこともしてあげれたら いつかはさ 見つけれたらいいのにね。
My chest is never good at saying the things I want to say the most,
I hope I can find the words, someday, so that I can give them to you. "
I understand now.
Why bad things happen to good people.
Why people who once meant the world to you leave your side.
Why love sometimes is lost.
Why friendships fade.
Why people grow apart.
For moments like this, where everything falls into place and every bad thing that built up over the years just fades away.
For the smiles that appear even after you thought you would never be able to again.
For the friends that stay, and show you that no matter what circumstance or tragedy or problem that life throws your way they will be there for you.
For the people who love you and aren’t afraid to show it everyday even when you don’t deserve it.
You have to lose people, to make space for the ones who stay.
You have to hurt, to give new love a chance to heal you.
and you have to cry, for the laughter to mean that much more.
You held onto me like you never had before.
Like the world was crashing down around you and you were trying to hold onto anything that felt like home.
I’ve been thinking for a while that what ever it is we were or are was something that was mutual.
But with the way you looked through me last night, like you didn’t even know me.
I started wondering if I really even knew you as well.
Did I just conjure up these emotions in my head to give reason behind the secret looks passed between us in the dark?
Was every whisper, every laugh, every word escaped from our brushing lips just a routine?
I have been asked constantly for the meaning behind every chance I give, and my mind was always brought back to you.
But i was wrong.
I’m sorry I gave up.
I just wasn’t sure if there was anything there worth keeping anymore.
You have this hold on me that no one seems to understand.
You walk around like the world is yours, with no idea that it could all crumble within your rough hands in seconds.
Expressionless face hiding the emotions ready to burst from the inside out.
I see you.
I see all of you.
I see the longing for someone to love you when the rest of the world couldn’t care less.
But I can’t be the girl you call for anymore.
Your voice echoes in my head in the silence of the night and i won’t let it.
I can’t be that girl anymore.
That girl who defends you to every untrue word that leaves the mouths of people who do not know you.
That girl who stands by your side when the whole world has turned their back to you.
That girl who picks up the broken pieces left by people who wanted what you offered but not who you were.
That girl who smiles at you from across the room signalling that everything will be okay.
I won’t be that girl anymore, because you don’t appreciate me being that girl.
I want honesty, I want laughter and jokes and purity beneath the words you whisper into my ear.
You used to give me that, until you got so sucked in by the attention from people who don’t know you like I do.
Until you looked at me like you didn’t even care anymore.
So im not going to care too.
You wanted to be an asshole, well you accomplished that.
Love filled thoughts.
Should I wait to be loved by someone like you, I would wait a million years.
I long for the day that I could stop staring at your crystal blue eyes from a distance but instead be face to face with the same eyes that constantly take my breath away.
I linger in your touch, every stroke softly grazing me sending chills from the top of my neck all the way down my spine.
Your voice echoes in my head like a song on repeat, never leaving until it is heard once more.
Your soft lips lure me in with every word you speak, moving in rhythm to my heart.
You entice me in everything you do, without even trying to capture me you’ve sent me on a downward spiral towards your arms.
In the depths of my despair, drowning in the tears flowing down my swollen eyes.
You saved me.
Holding back my breath, fighting the urge to take another one in hopes that maybe somehow I wont have to anymore.
You saved me.
Blood dripping down the sides of my shaking arm, maybe just a bit more and things will be okay. Maybe just a bit more and the pain would just slowly fade away.
You saved me.
Letting the water rush down my throat, choking on every stabbing pain that life threw my way, surrounded by the piercing cold ocean.
You saved me.
Alone, in your room, with no one to hold on to your shaking body but the darkness slowly choking you.
I couldn’t be there.
I couldn’t save you.
I’m so sorry.
if i stay in bed i’ll be warm
if i get in the shower i’ll also be warm
but the distance between the bed and the shower
that is not warm
That frustrating feeling when you want so much to talk to someone but have no words to say. So instead you just sort of sit there staring at them, hoping that somehow they’ll find the right words to say to make you feel like there isn’t a black hole eating you up from the inside. I just, i don’t know what I want and I keep looking for what i’m missing in someone else which always ends up being the death of me cause I don’t even know what i’m looking for.